I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
