i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
