Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
