i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
