my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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