i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
