FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
