im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
