he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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