is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
