Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
