My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
