dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
