Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
