ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
