yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
