I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
