A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
