when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
