She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my sisters under your porch take her home
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
