everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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