Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
