You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
