What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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