I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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