I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
