his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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