Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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