Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
