I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
