Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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