I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I intend to get homeless drunk
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
