but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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