quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
