WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
