my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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