I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
