I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
