Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
