A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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