just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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