take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
