I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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