Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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