I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
