hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
