You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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