All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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