I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All the doctor said was why
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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