I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
